May 15th, 2010

We drove up to the mountainside (I can’t remember the name, but it was the same area where we flew the paper lanterns) to look at fireflies. It was our first time to see them in real life.

I was studying for my quiz on the MRT on my way to school today when a sickly passenger got on. He was on a wheelchair, bundled up in several layers of clothing, blankets on his lap, hat over his grey hair. He looked frail and depressed. He reminded me of you the last time we visited you here. Suddenly I began to cry, and no matter how hard I tried to stop, I couldn’t. I stared down at my textbook and bit my lip in an effort to keep it together, but it was one of those things that I knew I couldn’t control. It’s been a long time coming; all I needed was a trigger, and that man on the wheelchair was it. All those things I’ve been bottling up / burying in my heart / pushing to the back of my head had to catch up with me eventually. I think they did today. When I got to school my friend noticed I wasn’t my usual happy self, and when she asked why I started crying again. It was embarrassing. I hate being a downer. I hate putting negative vibes out there and making people worry about me, or worse, feel bad because of / for me. I was a sissy today, and I didn’t like it. I should be tougher than this.

The rest of the day, I kept having bouts of sadness that made me tear up over and over again. I had to fight to keep it together, and that took a lot out of me. I also skipped our class dinner (our teacher offered to take us out on a peking duck dinner) because I didn’t feel like going. I’m drained, and I’ve a headache from all that melodrama. And from the weather. Bah. I’m sorry I wasn’t strong today, Papa. I have yet to exhibit the kind of strength you did.

Tomorrow, things will be better.

I was forced to listen to Butterfly Kisses last night.

They were playing one of their own CDs in the car on the way home from dinner when the song came on. I recognized it instantly, but I couldn’t do or say anything about it. It was pure torture. I prayed and prayed for the tears not to come, but they did. I told myself to stop, but I wouldn’t. So there I was, sitting in the back, looking out the window, carrying on casual conversation with the cousins while tears were literally streaming down my face. They didn’t notice, of course, because I’m good at hiding these things. But still. It was the kind of pain that chokes me up and makes my throat, chest and gut hurt.

I know it sounds like I was overreacting, but I really wasn’t. It’s just that I swore I’d never listen to that song again because it hurts too much. Like most girls, I always thought that would be the song we’d dance to at my wedding. Even when I was a kid, I used to hold off listening to it because I didn’t want to make it laspag. I wanted it to be extra-special for our moment. But of course, that moment is out of the question now; it’s something we’ll never have. So I told myself I’d never listen to that song again, and up until last night, I was successful.

I hate that song.

Papa, I floated a paper lantern for you last night! I hope you got my message. I wrote it on the panel with my wishes for our family, in Chinese. There was also a message for Yeye on it. And then on the other panels, I wrote well-wishes for our country, for myself, and for the new year in general in Tagalog, English and German. I also wrote down a Bible passage to praise God. And on another lantern that I shared with the cousins, I wrote wishes for Denise and a wish in Spanish. You know, just to cover all the bases.

It was my first time to float paper lanterns and I couldn’t believe how pretty they were. We drove up to the mountainside especially for the lantern festival. It actually starts today, but we went early to avoid the big crowds. We bought these big paper lanterns that were almost as big as I am, and then we wrote on them, and then we lit them up, and then watched as they floated up to the heavens… by themselves! IT WAS SO COOL!!! I was in perfect awe, like a kid seeing a rainbow for the first time. Except I think I was more excited about last night than I was the first time I saw a rainbow. Vanessa and Uncle Cannon’s brother took pictures and videos but they haven’t uploaded them yet. I hope they upload soon so I can show you and everyone back home.

I also bought a souvenir for Angin. It’s a miniature paper lantern, red, with well-wishes printed on the panels. I should’ve bought for Mama too, no? But she already has some at home so I’ll get her something else next time.

I’m having fun here. Samyi and everyone are really nice, and I feel at home in their house. School starts next Thursday. I am excited! Thursday is also Yeye’s 10th death anniversary. Say hi to him for me. I miss you both a lot and I think about you every day.

♥

I’m sorry I just yelled at mom. She was acting up again and I couldn’t let it go. I know you told us to just be patient and not gang up on her, but I couldn’t do it. I struggled between being like you and being like her, and the latter won. I’m sorry. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. I’ve been dreading this season. I alternate between getting caught up in the holiday spirit and crashing back down into memories of the last two years. Sometimes, when I don’t think about it, I’m like a kid again and I’m filled with yuletide cheer. And then I remember, and I pull away. It feels wrong to celebrate too much. Tomorrow, we’ll have the usual barbecue. Just the Don Manuel people. The big party is on the 27th. I don’t know what they were thinking. I mean I’m thankful for the blessings and the fact that we’re able to move on and stuff, but… I don’t know. Would you have wanted us to celebrate? Are you ok with this? I think you would have wanted us to be happy either way, because you’re great like that. But I don’t know.

Our friends and family in the New Bilibid Prison community, December 5-7, 2008. I didn’t tell you I was going to Bilibid for immersion because I didn’t want you to worry while you were in Taiwan. I wish I could have told you more about this experience. I met so many great people here—prisoners, foster family, neighbors, batchmates. I saw things they don’t show you in the news or in the movies. I learned domestic skills from my family (learned to cook rice from a 12-year-old) and received fatherly advice from the prisoners (one of whom was an alleged Chinese drug lord). They taught me life lessons I won’t soon forget. It was amazing.

Photo by Miki Bay.

I’ll see you when I get there.